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Tuesday, August 6, 2013


As you read this from your office desk, your tablet or your phone you have probably heard the news, celebrated or cried, we do not know; comrade Mugabe has against all odds clinched victory in Zimbabwe’s latest elections, a landslide win that left poor ‘Changirai’ winded and throwing around words like ‘null’ and ‘void’ blah blah blah. After 33 years of ruling Zimbabwe and literally turning it into a barren patch of land Mugabe is still ridiculously popular. Congratulations are in order to the almost 90 year old phantom! Whoever said a man that old is not fit to rule simply has never met Gabriel Mugabe, senile? Nah! That old chap is as fit as a fiddle, sharper than most. I could go on and on about him but the truth is ‘a win is a win’, whether you cheated or not. That brings me to the bone I want to pick for today, Robert Mugabe’s arch nemesis Morgan Tsvangirai, who for the third time against the same man has come out the loser. Really!? 3 times?

The world was pretty sure this time Morgan Tsvangirai would win, I mean why would Zimbabweans vote for Mugabe? Why? No one stopped to wonder what would happen if he lost. Before the elections he was pretty sure he would win, he said so, a few hours into the counting he came out to call the elections a sham. A farce he said. A joke he implied. Little does he know he is the joke…Morgan Tsvangirai’s biggest mistake was taking the bribe that was a unity government, letting Mugabe blindside him, making him fall asleep in chauffeured luxury vehicles whilst he diligently planned his next stint in the state house. Morgan Tsvangirai became so comfortable in a position designed mainly to keep Mugabe as president he forgot he was supposed to be pushing him out.
The big fat joke that is Morgan Tsvangirai then did the biggest mistake of actually thinking he would win an election in Zimbabwe, that Robert Mugabe would lose and just stroll into the sunset hand in hand with Grace looking forward to retirement, what a chump! Mobutu Sese Seko is popularly known to have remarked surprised after one African president had lost an election ‘How can you lose an election? That's stupid!’ basically asking why anyone in their right minds would lose an election they organised? something Mugabe has grasped admirably especially since Tsvangirai nearly stole his beloved Zimbabwe from him in 2008. The other reason Morgan Tsvangirai is a joke has to be letting Mugabe stand for another election. I mean really!? The man has 33 years of ruling under his belt; he has no business standing for another election. He had his fair share of the pie, Morgan Tsvangirai should have took those Unity Government documents and pissed all over them right there and then. He had momentum after the 2008 elections, everyone knew he had won, he should have never agreed to be bribed, granted people died after those elections and Morgan Tsvangirai had to flee in the middle of the night to South Africa but he had the upper hand, Mugabe knew it, the world knew it only Tsvangirai seemed oblivious to this. Zimbabwe needs change, a new president, as long as Mugabe is standing as a candidate in these elections no one but him would win, it’s a given.

Morgan Tsvangirai is a joke for thinking SADC and AU would come to his help. SADC screamed even before the elections started how they were ‘Free and Fair’. SADC is a joke, just like Morgan, all they do is hold meetings and admire each other’s grotesque bellies made so by the innocent people they rob of freedoms each year. The joke that was Jacob Zuma out there congratulating Mugabe, smh. Atleast Merafhe had the decency to come out and call the elections a 'circus'. The AU watches as Africa implodes and smiles like its supposed to happen, they would rather back the power hungry dictators of this continent, they have always done so, we cannot trust them to solve shit. Tsvangirai is a joke for hoping these utterly useless organisations can come to his aid in handing him Zimbabwe.

Tsvangirai is a joke for letting Mugabe put him in a corner. A joke for asking the people of Zimbabwe to now ‘do what is necessary’ is he asking people to go into the streets in a Jasmine Revolution like campaign? Is he expecting people to lay their lives on the line for him and his incompetent MDC? As far as evidence suggests Morgan Tsvangirai’s road has just ended, he needs to hand the baton to someone who would take Zimbabwe to where it needs to be. We are done pitying ‘Changirai’. He does not deserve our sympathies, he has himself to blame for everything. How can he be so unprepared? So outfoxed? So frustrating.